The Struggle is Real

I was putting my house back together from the holidays and stumbled across a journal I created exactly one year ago. As I started reading page one, my heart sank into my chest. How did I not know? I can't get over the denial I was facing. How sad. Poor girl.

With each entry, I relived each moment. Two thousand eighteen started pretty rocky and scary for me, all because of the unknown. It took me over three months to finally accept and realize the issue.

It started on December 8th, 2017 in New York City. An experience so vivid that I'll, unfortunately, never forget it. I was on a girls weekend with one of my best friends, and I couldn't have been happier or more excited to be there. On this evening, while watching a Broadway play, it started. Entirely, out of nowhere. I had my first EVER full-blown panic attack.

Sitting in the middle of a long aisle, I felt my heart starting to race, beating out of my chest. I was nauseous as if I was going to be sick. My body temperature was rising. I pulled off my jacket. I looked around like I needed to get out of the theater, but I was all the way in the middle of the aisle. I felt clammy. My mind was racing with thoughts, "Am I getting sick? Do I have the flu? I can't leave this theater. I am going to ruin our trip. Maybe I'll sit by the exit? I feel terrible if I make her move.” I felt claustrophobic and trapped in the middle of the aisle. I couldn't shake the feeling.

Once leaving the theater, the cold air felt good on my face. I couldn't walk to our hotel fast enough. I was incredibly thirsty. I chugged three bottles of water back to back. I had extreme cotton mouth, and everything I put in my mouth was super dry like chalk. I would lay in bed freezing one minute and then throw the covers off like a sauna the next. My mind was racing, and my heart was still beating rapidly and SO HARD out of my chest. I tried taking deep breaths to calm myself down. I began shaking and convulsing. I kept saying to my friend, "PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE." Please don't let me die." Finally, I was able to swallow a small bite of a protein bar as I laid on the ground, shaking while GOOGLING all my symptoms. I thought to myself that something had to be seriously wrong with me. I have NEVER felt like this before. EVER. I was scared, I was away from home, and I feared the worst. After 45 minutes, I finally fell asleep.

The next day. I felt exhausted. I didn't want to ruin our trip. I tried so hard to be strong. I was blaming everything on blood sugar issues.

Upon returning from NYC, I had two more panic attacks in January. All starting of NOWHERE. One at my friend's house while having a quiet evening and the other while DRIVING my CHILDREN. That ONE was awful. So awful, I ended up in the emergency room. I visited multiple physicians and had numerous tests ran because no one knew what was wrong with me. It didn't help my mental situation, that during this testing time frame, I was given the label of reactive hypoglycemia and on the path to pre-diabetes. (That's a whole different story). I kept blaming my "episodes" aka panic attacks on blood sugar.

I felt weak for even thinking it could be all anxiety driven. I have always thought of myself as a strong person. A "suck it up," raw, hold it together, it's going to be okay, strong individual. Have I always been a worrier? Absolutely. That's in my blood. From all my past years of being tough.........I was breaking down and didn't even know it.

Anxiety can be so debilitating. I hated the feeling it gave my body. It feels like an on edge, jittery, unpredictable, suffocating feeling. I was scared to drive, scared to bath my children, just plain scared. I couldn't go to the grocery store for long periods without feeling overwhelmed, and I even had trouble at large social gatherings (and for those of you that know me well, know that I LOVE being around people).

I started seeing a therapist. It helped tremendously, along with using guided meditation and monitoring my diet. On March 6th, 2018, I read an article written by Kevin Love. This article made it all click. It was until then, I accepted and realized what I had been going through. Here is the link to his article. Thank you, Kevin Love!!!

It's a coincidence that my other medical issues arose during this time. It was also me, me not being okay with having "anxiety." I always looked at others that complained or talked about their anxiety and didn't understand why. Why couldn't they control it? Or just let it go? Or get some help? Really? Easier said than done. The struggle is real.

I have learned a lot over the past year. I have grown stronger, more educated, and sensitive to mental health. I have learned my triggers and how to listen to my body. I have not had a major panic attack since. Will it happen again? Maybe. But now, I am okay with it. I have also become aware that CAFFEINE, SUGAR, ALCOHOL (even one drink), and lack of SLEEP all affect anxiety.

It's amazing what you can learn about yourself when you listen to your body. Something as simple as sitting while watching TV and noticing you are clenching your fists — awareness to release your tension on your own before it builds into something else unknowingly. Or preparing myself for a trip by not overdosing on caffeine and lack of sleep. If I feel uneasy, I don't drink. It's not worth the feeling that one glass of wine "might" give me.

If you struggle with anxiety, please know that you are not alone. If you have never told anyone or tried techniques, please educate yourself and talk with a friend or a professional. There are so many resources that can help. You can keep living life, engage in the things that you love, and be happy again while having underlying anxiety. It's asking yourself, "Do you want to do everything you can to make it better?" YES! Is this going to happen overnight? Um. Probably not.

Accepting this NEW part of me was the best thing I could do to move forward. As much as I hated it, it's not the worst thing in the world. For those that have never dealt with anxiety, please be mindful of the others in your life. As Kevin Love stated in his article, "Everyone is going through something that we can't see."

Thank you for being here blog family + friends!!
This was a tough one to publish.
Love, Rose

Photo credits for this entry go to pexels.com and the family photo to Danelle Joy Photography.
To subscribe to Rose + Shine via email, click here.